My Colorless Life (Transformation Tuesday)

My identity always eluded me. It was to the extent that I was constantly reinventing myself, desperately searching for the image that aided me in feeling more comfortable in my own skin and that helped me transcend the boundaries of my reality.

The Las Vegas stage provided a platform for me to do just that. I realized I could be whoever I wanted to be. It was a great place to hide from everyone else, myself included. I was able to get lost in the neon lights of the strip under the guise of an entertainer. Despite loving the costume changes, makeup, and wigs, there was still an aching deep in my soul.

I used various means to negate any memory of the past; sleeping pills, pain pills, alcohol, and men. But the voices intensified and the memories of who I was and what happened to me were determined to pierce the surface and catch a breath of air. I felt the true version of myself, the one I'd been suppressing for the majority of my life, struggling to finally be seen and heard.

Exhausted from fighting, reinventing, lying to myself and others, and the overwhelming sense of having no earthly purpose, I gave up and gave in to the temptation to end my life. But God had other plans for me. At the time, I didn't understand selection, divine ordination, and destiny. I became angry with God. I couldn't understand why He took such pleasure in my pain and misery. Looking back, I can't help but scoff at what I perceived as "suffering".

In the years that followed, I wasn't living but existing. I put my mask of happiness back in its proper place, remarried, and tried to appear "normal". In my mind, I was trapped in a life that I didn't want and couldn't escape. On the outside, to my family and in the pictures on social media, I looked happy and content.

Freedom came to me disguised as grief, loss, separation, and utter despair. It was in that fiery pit of helplessness that I cried out to God, and like a gallant knight from a fairy tale, He came galloping up to save me. Now, this is where it becomes complicated, because I resisted.

With every fiber of my being, I fought to hold on to my old self, that malformed seed of identity that was planted inside of me during my childhood. The darkness that so viciously sought to destroy the godly spirit nestled inside my heart, was the very thing I was afraid of losing. Who would I be?

I'm grateful that He drew me with patience, kindness, understanding, and most of all His love. Once I truly realized how deeply God loved me, and as the details of His plan unfolded, blossoming into the beautiful life I have now, my heart and mind began to change, trust, and believe. In exchange for the ashes that I covered myself with, He gave me a rainbow.

~M

#InnerHealing #AGEL #MoKhaUzuri